I WATCHED A LIFETIME CHRISTMAS MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME
Posted on December 21 2019
I’ll be the first to admit I am the worst person at settling in to watch a movie.
My brain races in a million misdirections, I turn restless and it suddenly becomes imperative I Google the historical origins of meatballs right that minute.
A movie must have an intense amount of substance and emotional honesty to capture--and maintain--the focus of my flighty brain.
These movies tend to be artsy indie movies, subtitled foreign films, or anything you'd catch wracking up awards at Sundance. Big budget explosions and all-star casts just aren't my bag.
In my heart, I’m the eternal emo kid.
But there is a special genre of movies that has always piqued my curiosity. The fountain of made for TV Christmas movies on non-stop rotation every November through December. The films reign supreme on networks like Hallmark and Lifetime.
I discussed this curiosity with my friend. I floated the idea of me checking out some of these movies for myself this year. I was dying to know once and for all what all the fuss was about!
She told me she was a hundred percent sure, had total and unrelenting conviction, that I'd hate these movies.
Holiday movies were “Too sugary sweet and cheery” for me. As if I was the lovechild of Holden Caulfield and Maleficent!
I would look awful in this hat.
And with these horns!
I like sweet and cheery things…at times.
While what she was actually saying was, "Don't bother watching those movies, you won't like them.”
to watch them."
In case you’re wondering; yes, I was the type of kid who would try to stick their finger in a light socket after warned not to.
This year I switched on Lifetime, sat back, watched and typed my personal thoughts as they came.
I began with a Sweet Mountain Christmas.
"A musician who is set to headline a Christmas concert in NYC makes a pit-stop in Tennessee to see her family."-IMDB
Our leading lady is a famous country singer, who rose to stardom by winning the first season of a televised American reality singing competition. She's essentially Kelly Clarkson, Lifetime. You can’t fool me.
A magazine interviewer lady remarks that Kelly's career is on the skids, then asks about her upcoming Christmas comeback performance and album. So rude.
Get out of her immaculately decorated showroom floor mansion!
Kelly comments her new album will be, "all sugar plumb, no coal."
Kelly goes to spend Christmas with her mom and sleeps in her old bedroom because she's humble. We stan.
I'm bored, where's her Xmas love interest Snack?
The Snack is here! Sweet Mountain Snacks are officially being served!
Tea Time Again:
Kelly dated the Mountain Snack when she was just a silly, young Taylor Swift.
The entirety of Kelly's small town peeps: You're famous now! So kewl!
Kelly to the entire small town: Yes, but #Stillhumble
Mountain Snack: I'm going to be rude to Kelly. I’m going to prove I am not like all the other boys who worship her just because she's famous.
(Which is sort of unnecessary considering you dated her before she was famous, bro).
Mountain Snack has more careers than Barbie.
Get ready for a list of Mountain Snack's multiple occupations:
Plows entire town of snow
Hauler at a Christmas tree lot
She and Mountain Snack are taking their hostile dynamic to the small-town stage by planning a local Christmas concert together. Please be a small town 2012 Coachella. PLEASE BE A SMALL TOWN 2012 COACHELLA!!!
Snack eats ice cream in the freezing weather because he's quirky, and not like other boys.
She and Snack can't even go on a date without people asking her to perform. All they do is ignore that she's #Stillhumble.
Mountain Snack ghosted Kelly because she became famous?!
Was it because he was threatened by her success?
Was it because, even back then, he was quirky and not like all the other boys?
We may never know.
Kelly semi resembles like Jessica Simpson in this lighting. Wait...together Mountain Snack and her both sort of resemble…
Sweet Mountain Christmas is secretly a Jessica Simpson biopic.
Best line yet. "That's not an elf, that's your mom!"
Kelly Jessica Taylor and Mountain Snack finally kissed!
Kelly Jessica chooses to perform in the small town concert she planned with Mountain Snack, over her comeback big Hollywood performance. #Humbleforever
We end on a concert that is sadly nothing like 2012 Coachella but has amazing live stream viewer numbers.
And thus, with a kiss, Kelly Jessica Taylor Simpson thrives.
Oh, you thought we were done here?
Oh, Little Grasshopper, we are far from done. You see, every good experiment needs a control before you publish the final result.
Next week I’ll be watching my first Netflix Christmas movie. One of the most popular of all time, in fact.
How much of a difference is there between a made-for-streaming service movie and a made-for-TV movie?
What will our next Snack be like?
Tune in next week to find out!
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